by Anna in Minnesota
Hi my name is Anna. I have struggled with clinical depression for about a good 20 years now. It seems to be getting worse. I don't like being around people at all. I am so edgy just thinking about it, but when I am at work I just fall into the pattern of work and I am fine.
I don't like parties or bars at all. I just want to be alone and I am so down cause I get more depressed staying alone. I am so torn because I feel like two people with these feelings. I have been on a variety of antidepressants, but I've been on one the last 12 years.. I did increase taking one more pill, bringing the dose to 275m,l and it's a little better. I still get panic attacks.
My being alone is strange. I feel like that's all I want to do, and I sleep every chance I get! No one knows this because I am scared that they would lock me up. Nights are the worst for me. I am so down I want to die! But I finally fall asleep and that spell is over, until the next night. I act upbeat all the time, nobody would ever know this is running through my mind (at least I don't think so). It's just so sickening, I do have insurance but it's hard to get a day to go to the doctor. I don't think anyone understands I need help.
I have grown children and one works at the ER here in the town we live in. I would die if she knew! My son is a Police Officer and it's just sad I can't tell them. I work in health care also. I also have two teenage daughters that live with me and their dad.