Mother struggles and worries for her children's mental health

by Elizabeth in Florida

My mental illness has affected me in so many ways. My relationship is what is hurting the most. I have a fiancé and two kids - a 2 two-year old and an infant of 4 months. I love my fiancé so much, but I'm afraid that if I don't do something about this that he will give up on me and leave.

I feel like everything is my fault. I haven't seen my family in about a year and I miss them. I feel like they don't care about me anymore. Every time I think about them, I start crying. I had a rough childhood. My dad always got drunk and my mom was never there. When I was 9 years old, my mom left. She would always call and say she was coming to visit, but never came. That really hurt.

I have wanted to kill myself so many times because I didn't think anybody cared or wanted me. My kids mean the world to me. I think they suffer from the way I am. My little girl likes to copy me and that's not good because I am showing no happiness. Happiness is what a childhood should have. I'm afraid if I don't get help she will turn out the same.

I know my boyfriend loves the ground I walk on, but he is suffering because of me. When I met him he found out that I was cutting myself to take away my mental pain. One day he caught me doing it and he helped me stop. I can admit I still get the urge to do it. I think about so many bad things I can do to myself. I have tried thinking about my kids when I have thoughts of suicide. I always thought they would be better off without me. I am admitting I have a problem and want help because I am tired of hurting my family.