by Elizabeth in Florida
My mental illness has affected me in so many ways. My relationship is what is hurting the most. I have a fiancé and two kids - a 2 two-year old and an infant of 4 months. I love my fiancé so much, but I'm afraid that if I don't do something about this that he will give up on me and leave.
I feel like everything is my fault. I haven't seen my family in about a year and I miss them. I feel like they don't care about me anymore. Every time I think about them, I start crying. I had a rough childhood. My dad always got drunk and my mom was never there. When I was 9 years old, my mom left. She would always call and say she was coming to visit, but never came. That really hurt.
I have wanted to kill myself so many times because I didn't think anybody cared or wanted me. My kids mean the world to me. I think they suffer from the way I am. My little girl likes to copy me and that's not good because I am showing no happiness. Happiness is what a childhood should have. I'm afraid if I don't get help she will turn out the same.
I know my boyfriend loves the ground I walk on, but he is suffering because of me. When I met him he found out that I was cutting myself to take away my mental pain. One day he caught me doing it and he helped me stop. I can admit I still get the urge to do it. I think about so many bad things I can do to myself. I have tried thinking about my kids when I have thoughts of suicide. I always thought they would be better off without me. I am admitting I have a problem and want help because I am tired of hurting my family.