Looking for others who understand me and my illness

by Brandi in Ohio

I can't remember a time when I wasn't depressed. As a child I always felt like I wasn't normal and that something was wrong with me but didn't know what. My parents didn't believe in mental illness or psychiatrists/therapy, so the feelings I was having just kept getting worse. When I was 16 I tried to commit suicide.

I was so lost and had no one to talk to. Talking to my parents was out of the question since I had tried before and I knew no one else who had felt like this. I remember crying almost every day at some point and felt hopeless. My grades fell and I hated going to school and being around people. I always felt like everyone was staring at me and making fun of me. Being in crowds of people was the worst for me, so school was not fun to say the least.

After graduation, I got married and had three kids. I was married for 12 years and then got divorced. It was not until I was divorced that I told the doctor what I was going through in my head. He put me on a mild antidepressant and referred me to a psychiatrist. I have been seeing this doctor now for five years and had therapy on and off. I take two antidepressants, and bipolar meds every day now. Being a single mom and not being able to hold down a job has been very taxing on me. I tried to work ever since I was 16, and I always ended up quitting or not being able to do it due to panic attacks and depression. All I get is child support and I am trying to take it day by day. I feel I will never get married again because finding someone who understands me and my illness would be very difficult.