| Mental Health America Bell of Hope Memorial |
In Loving Memory of
I lost my brother-in-law, my wife's brother, Scott, a few months ago to what I call mental anguish and addiction. And, even though I was afraid that this might happen someday, I can tell you that I could have never been able to describe that day of grief. When I got the call………oh it was bad. And now I know what it is like to tell a wife and children that her Husband and their Daddy was dead. His wife just collapsed at the door and his children went quite. His mother, his sisters and all of us cried all day. We never stopped! My thirteen year old daughter says it was the worst day of her life ... so far. There were so many of our friends that came to the services, so many, even the folks that owned the company my wife works for. They were so nice. It really meant so much. But most of all to me …. his AA friends were the best they came from all over. I have never felt such much compassion that day for all of us grieving. Many of us understood the pain he had lived with and all of us understood the sorry. Scott never was able to get the “right” treatment he needed, every time we got him in a private or in a State facility, they would let him out because he was not sick enough. Or he would just walk out of the hospitals we put him in. But he went through hell and I was there with him during a lot of it. I am so grateful to have had that time with him. He was smart and a successful businessman. He was so much fun and I miss him. I still cannot describe how I felt that day. I was by myself when the call came. I yelled a lot. I can say it became finite very quickly. He was one of four people I have known very well to die from drugs and mental illness. The first was a friend of mine in boarding school when I was fourteen. As you can imagine, suicide has had an extreme impact on my life. And I to have been diagnose with a severe mental illness ….. six years back. I have a dual diagnosis also. I think people should be aware how real it is and how hard it is. Scott struggled with it ever day, and I struggle with it ever single day. It never stops. But we are miracles and so are our families that support us. We cannot do it alone. I do not want to be sick, neither did Scott but we are. Yes we are told we are walking miracle, but I tell you we still struggle every step of the way. I am grateful, but still do not want it. I really appreciate this month…..It is sad I do not want to be known, but want this to be known. People like me who are but mentally ill, are never able to get a solid foot hold in life. We struggle a lot. We care and we try very hard. We are very bright passionate people, but have a different temperament and thus different needs. We are difficult live with because we seem to never able to develop a healthy self esteem. But most of all ……… it is very clear to me that people like me die from these illnesses , and will continue to die until people are aware and begin to help. We owe it to our children, I think. I will leave you with this. A few weeks after Scott had died. I was over at my mother-in-laws for the holidays and Scott’s mother came up and put her arms around me, then my daughter came up and put her arms around me, then my sister-in-law and then my wife. It felt so good and Scott’s mother said to me, she said Bill, please do not let anything happen to you I do not know what I would do if I lost you to. I cannot tell you what that felt like. We with mental illness are so hard on ourselves. So yes please get the word out…..for all of us. We do not need to lose our loved ones to these diseases any more we can beat them. I know it.
|